The Real Warriors: Cancer Fighters

In the dedication section of Know Your Enemy, I described the individuals that I believe are the real warriors of our time.

They are not to be confused with so-called warrior athletes, labeled as such from their “freakish” exploits on the field of play. The individuals I am referring to are not playing a kids’ game; they are adults and children, patients and caregivers, and medical professionals engaged in a daily struggle against a formidable opponent—cancer.

In re-reading this description five years later, I don’t think I could say it any better today, so I’ve included an excerpt for this blog…

They are the chemotherapy patients on a cocktail so strong they have little energy to get out of bed in the morning—or the radiation patients that suffer treatment side effects, such as severe joint or nerve pain or burning skin. Then add the responsibilities of raising a family or maintaining a career, and now you’re talking about a Herculean effort just to make it through the day.

They are also the caregivers whose worlds are turned upside down when a loved one is confronted with a cancer diagnosis. They need to be strong in helping to battle this enemy, while coping with their own fear and trauma.

Last, but not least, they are the medical professionals on the front lines caring for, supporting, and consoling patients and family members in their greatest time of need.

— Dedication excerpt, October 2015

Do you have someone in your life that has exhibited extraordinary strength of character in their battle with cancer? If so, have you told this real warrior that he (or she) is your hero? If not, what are you waiting for?

So here is my ode to the real warriors in my life.

To my mother, Maxine R. Antonicelli; my wife, Alyson C. Antonicelli; my little buddy, Derek Johnson #223 (son of Tina and Scott Johnson); personal friend and neighbor Stephen B. Wagoner; and all those who are engaged against the enemy—cancer—this book is dedicated to you, for you are true warriors, gladiators in the arena of life.
— Frank Antonicelli

Time is Precious

I realized early in the cancer journeys with my mother, Maxine, and wife, Alyson, that time is precious and finite. Our time on this earth is fleeting, often said to go by at the “blink of an eye.”

These experiences caused me to reassess the value that I placed on time and what I really considered to be my priorities in life.

I was never one that felt the need to define my being with material things. I would never say something like “I live in a $450,000 house (which I don’t). Instead, I’d be more likely to say, “I live in a house that is warm and welcoming, and friends say feels comfortable to them.” One of my go-to sayings that I think captures this sentiment best is: “I want all my belongings to be able to fit in the back of my Ford pick-up truck.”

A new measure of happiness … time

But as I went through my cancer journeys, my priorities shifted. It was no longer about how much (or how little) stuff I had. Or how well liked I was. In this new world order, I found a different type of personal happiness and fulfillment; one that involves family and friends that have a similar appreciation of time and friendship. These relationships are very special because the people are authentic, comfortable in their own skin and “givers” (see prior blog post: A giver has got to know his/her limitations).

Now, I also try to focus on investing my time in activities that give me a real sense of joy and accomplishment. I seldom find myself in situations that are uncomfortable or “just not my deal.” Now that I understand just precious time is, I have learned that the word “no” is not a bad word. In fact, it often leads to a more enjoyable experience for all parties because each participant is committed and all-in.

And that led me to write the following poem. Have these questions in mind as you read it:
“How would your life and decisions change if you knew the end was near? Would you play it safe or take a risk and venture outside of your comfort zone?”

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Time is Precious…

How would your life change if you had but one year?
How would the news impact your hopes, dreams, and fears?

Would you invest more time in your current profession?
Or feel the need for greater purpose and expression?

Would you settle on a relationship long since grown stale?
Or seek a special bond you know will prevail?

Would you surround yourself with loyal friends from the past?
Or spend time with new acquaintances unlikely to last?

Time waits for no one and only you hold the key.
To unlock the door and set yourself free.

So live each day as if you had but a few.
And savor every moment like you are starting anew.

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Remember. Time is precious. Live every day to its fullest.

5 Stages of Grief in the Cancer Journey

When you get that cancer diagnosis, it’s usually the start of the “ stages of grief ” cycle for many people. It’s not full loss — in terms of a death or permanent loss — but it’s still grief. It’s helpful, I think, to understand the five stages of grief to help you through your cancer battle. These can be helpful both to patients, but also to loved ones who are walking alongside on the journey.

In my research, I learned more about these 5 stages of grief.

Stage 1: Denial & Isolation

Often when we get bad news, we simply want to hole up and not see anyone. We can be in a mode of simply wanting to ignore the problem. When it comes to cancer, sometimes we don’t have the luxury of ignoring things and we must act fast. Either way, we may find ourselves wanting to isolate and separate ourselves from other loved ones.

Stage 2: Anger

At some point, as we go through grief, we get to a point of feeling angry. We have a low patience level for things and can get upset over anything – cancer-related or not. Anger may come out to any number of people, from family to the doctors, to God, to even the unsuspecting cashier at the store.

Stage 3: Bargaining

As anger wears off, we start trying to take control back and often that comes in the form of “if only” statements. We might say things like “if only we knew sooner,” or “if only we could get another opinion.” We start to bargain and evaluate the situation.

Stage 4: Depression

Depression can come in terms of emotions related to practical needs, but it can also come out and show itself in a deeper, more quiet expression. Depression can be hard, but I think it’s the most expected emotion we expect ourselves to feel and what we expect out of others. It’s becoming more and more accepted to feel depression and it’s not a shameful emotion to walk through. When we realize, though, that our depression is lingering longer than just a season, we need to get help.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Reaching the point of acceptance can be a true gift. We have more clarity about our situation at this stage and have a lot of power as a result. We can truly fight our cancer fight with everything we’ve got.

Giving the Stages of Grief a Voice

The more I dug into this topic, the more questions came up. Is any one stage of grief wrong to be in? How long does the cycle take? Can the order shake up?

Since I’m not a licensed counselor or therapist, I know that others can answer this question better than I can. What I do know is that by voicing these stages of grief, we are given the freedom to walk through our battle with grace, knowing that it truly is a journey.

We sometimes have to walk through some hard seasons. Just know that there are others walking through the grief cycle in all walks of life and in all kinds of grief. Let’s walk together.

Care for Cancer Patients: 5 Practical Tips for Caregivers

If you are about to become a caregiver (or just found out that you are a caregiver) of someone with cancer, odds are, you have a lot of new things running through your head. There is a lot you need to know and a lot that you need to learn about care for cancer patients, and care for yourself. Being a caregiver is a job that includes not only logistics and physical needs, but also emotional needs as well. We know that you’re often also handling all of your other responsibilities as well.

Don’t stress, my friend! You CAN do this and your loved one needs you now more than ever! Here are a few simple reminders to help you move forward in confidence as a caregiver of someone with cancer.

  1. 1. Take Notes:

    There will be A LOT coming at you, so take notes and get organized from the start. Whether you like a handwritten notebook or binder to keep notes straight, or you like a digital version on your phone or small device, find something that works. Just remember, that you might be taking these notes a lot of places so you want something that can easily be taken into an exam room and be with you all on the go!

  2. 2. Plan for your own health.

    You can’t help your loved one if you aren’t well yourself. Go into this cancer fight with the perspective that you will have times of exhaustion or physical limits. Know your limits and be prepared when you hit them. The last thing you need is to feel discouraged. Go ahead and feel tired, but plan ahead so that you don’t burn out. Perhaps you need others to help fill in so that you get a break from time to time. Perhaps you can’t physically lift your loved one to help them shower or get out of bed. Think ahead to have your network of people around to help!

  3. 3. Gather your information:

    Gather the vital information that you or someone else might need. This includes insurance information for the patient, doctors’ numbers, pharmacy information, etc. Keep that handy for when others might step in to help or just to save your sanity and make it easy!

  4. 4. Plan for irritability ahead of time.

    Anyone going through pain and disease will feel grouchy a time or two. Often certain medications have side effects that cause irritability. I’ve found that when I have that as a mental reminder in my head, I don’t take things personally when my patient is frustrated. You can love with grace instead of taking things as an offense.

  5. 5. Read my book.

    No, seriously. Read my book and read others like it. I wrote Know Your Enemy because I want families to be smart about how they approach the cancer fight and care for cancer patients. I want to help set you up for success because I believe when you know your enemy and are educated, you can fight better and smarter. There are people like me who have walked through the cancer fight multiple times, whether as a patient or as a friend, and you can learn a lot from others!

A cancer diagnosis can be quite the shock, and many people find themselves in caregiving situations by default when that diagnosis comes. You may not feel prepared for this next season, but trust me, you are!   You have what it takes to fight cancer with strength and walk alongside your loved one to help them fight with all they’ve got too!