Coping With Loss and Saying Goodbye

As you’ve read from my book Know Your Enemy, I’m no stranger to coping with the loss of loved ones. Though it is no less hard these days, it is always a reminder of what matters in life (to me). It reminds me of how love is infinite, but time is not.

Matt Mumber, MD, a good friend and co-author of “Sustainable Wellness: An Integrative Approach to Transform Your Mind, Body, and Spirit”, and I collaborated on the poem below as a way of coping with loss after the recent, sudden death of our mutual, long-time friend Michael.

Coping With Loss and Saying Goodbye

The universe shed

a tear of sadness today

for a man who touched many

in his own special way.

He greeted those close

with a big bear hug.

and when parting, expressed

 feelings of friendship and love.

He lived a life

void of want or of fear

and followed a drummer’s beat,

audible just to his ear.

He knew what he wanted,

the way he liked things to be.

He would tell you about it,

particularly.

Vinny, Vin Man, Vincenzo,

Mike, Michael, Barbaro;

He answered these calls

with a hearty, “Lets Go!”

Up for any adventure,

Michael always came through.

He was the perfect wingman

with a take no prisoners attitude!

We have loved and lost him,

no longer where he was before.

He is now wherever we are

and will be ever more.

–Frank Antonicelli, Matt Mumber

___________

This collaboration led me to again take account of the remaining people in my life and the people who have been in my life. I could choose to focus on the loss, but instead, I choose to focus on the time I did have with the people I love(d) — like Michael — and how much they (and he) contributed to my life. I choose to focus on the people I still have in my life.

People might look at my life and be sad for me for what I am now lacking, but the reality is that I have been rich. I have been blessed with such amazing people in my life and amazing experiences. The enemy of cancer has actually brought about quite a huge shift in my life, some of which allowed me to find these people and value my life like I hadn’t before.

If I could, of course, I would choose for my wife and mom and Michael to still be here. I still miss them and love them and there really isn’t such a thing as “moving on” from that. They live on in me forever, though. They live on in remembering who they were, what they taught me, and continuing to remember that my time on this earth is limited and to make every minute count.

Spring is coming into bloom again and flowers around us are reborn from death. Change is all around us; the cycle of life continues with or without us. Similarly, I’ve found with loss comes transformation and renewal and rebirth of sorts. We can choose to dwell in the muck or we can choose to soar and be reborn stronger than before.

What will you choose?

Why Blog?

Up to this point I have resisted suggestions to “start blogging,” but now the timing feels right to me. For those of you that read my book Know Your Enemy, you may recall that I stated early on I never intended to write a book, let alone a cancer book. I believe this book was written through me and I was merely the conduit to get a message of hope and can-do spirit to first-time cancer patients and caregivers.

I plan on using the same approach for this blog; that is to let thoughts and topics flow through me and post them to the blogosphere. I intend to write about subjects that are universal in nature. I want the message to be positive, motivational, authentic, and hopefully inspirational. I will also follow the simple rule of leaving subjects of politics and religion at the doorstep.

The writing style for this blog will be conversational. I want readers to feel like they are sitting around the kitchen table or breakfast bar with a group of friends discussing topics of the day. Since I relate best to the world through music, specifically song lyrics, humorous stories and famous quotes or sayings, I will use these forms to present the content found in this blog.

I began appreciating these forms of writing when I realized how inspirational such forms could be for people. Often times, some words of encouragement or a little act of kindness can be all that it takes to get a person back on track. For me, I had this epiphany 30 years ago and it is when I wrote one of my first poems. The poem was written for an IBM colleague and friend from the Windy City who was going through a difficult time. I wanted to write a little pick-me-up piece to lift her spirits and penned the following poem. I’ve always liked the message of persistence and perseverance that it conveys and regardless of your age or lot in life, I believe it remains relevant today. This poem can also be found in Know Your Enemy. I hope it will resonate with you too:

 

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When times get tough, as they often do
Plant your feet firmly; you’re going to make it through.
Dig down deep inside, and don’t be afraid to cry
But whatever you do, don’t ever ask why.
Remember what got you this far; you made it on your own,
But also remember family and friends are here
To make sure you’re not fighting alone.
Today the chips seem down, tomorrow’s a brand new day
And you know what you have to look forward to.
Everything-Going-Your-Way!